joie

Summer is for Camping

Over at Crazy Hip Blog Mamas everybody is talking about camping. As the daughter of an Eagle Scout and fourth generation Oregonian, camping is in my blood. Back yard camping, snow camping, car camping, back packing. Since I couldn't pick one favorite story, I will make this a camping trilogy. It also helps illustrate the way my life has evolved over the years.
Part One: circa 1990
In order to pass Professor Blanchard's infamous and hard to get into Wilderness Survival Class at the University of Oregon, you had to prove your map and compass skills, tie a pretty bowline knot, know the ten essentials and actually survive a weekend in the wilderness. My small group got our class fee's worth. The late spring snowfall made the trail hard to see, so we got a little lost and had to trek off trail for miles. My feet were wet and cold and I lost feeling in them a long time before I got to stop using them. That was really a blessing because before that they really hurt. What really sucked was not getting any feeling back in my big toe until the following October. And not getting all the feeling back until just a couple years ago. When we finally reached our destination, as stated in the wilderness survival guide, I got to put my feet on the warm (and nicely firm) belly of the hunky leader of the group to try and warm them back up. That night, after the tents were all up, we ate our re-hydrated food and we all shit in the plastic bags we brought to carry out our waste (fun, fun!) we were finally able to enjoy the spot. It was a high plateau with a panoramic view. The moon was full and the sky (after recently dumping its contents) was clear. Out there, so far from any lights the stars were so bright, you could see every constellation. All of it reflected off the virgin snow let off the most amazing glow that would be impossible to experience anywhere near civilization. Frostbite was totally a fair price to pay for this.
Part Two: circa 1996
My two best college girlfriends and I had an annual tradition (it lasted two years) of going on a girls' weekend together. This year it was back to a beloved spot from college, Cougar Hot Springs. I don't remember much about the weekend, except that it was HOT and we were completely unaware that this was the weekend the Further Festival was in this part of the country. As we drove into the campground, we were shocked by how crowded it was. The road in was lined with dazed Deadheads, in mourning, asking for big miracles. Finally someone approached our car. He was so thirsty he was willing to trade almost anything for a cold beer out of our cooler. Which is how we learned what was happening and acquired some pot. There was only one campsite left, which wasn't really a campsite, but an empty patch of beach, covered in river rocks with enough room to pitch a tent. But it was okay, we still had most of our beer and a very fair trade-in for the rest. I remember chatting with a remarkable little girl in the springs who was wearing fairy wings and going around granting wishes to people. She was such an adorable little free spirit!I also remember being in the tent with my two friends, uptight prudes in our hearts, each and every one of us, looking out and noticing the amazing and beautiful full moon (so many of my stories involve full moons) and spontaneously deciding it was necessary to remove all our clothing and dance to the light of that moon. While we were outside enjoying this magical moment, we noticed that the river rocks were COVERED in millions, or at least thousands, of very tiny frogs. They were EVERYWHERE we stepped. It was an amazing, unforgettable experience. In a few moments, we heard cheering and applause. Turns out, our little patch of beach was in the center of dozens of campsites, each one with a view of the lake and three naked dancers. We were immediately thrust back into self-conscious prude mode and ran back into the tent like three Eves banished from paradise.
Part Three: circa 2004
The scene is the annual family fourth of July car camping trip. We're staying in one of those crowded state campgrounds that make you feel like the Joads in a resettlement camp. I always feel like an anthropologist observing why people like to play refugee for fun when we go on those weekends. Dan and I are trying desperately to make a baby as efficiently as possible (do you hear the universe laughing right now?) I know I am ovulating after the positive ovulation test I got in a stall in the camp bathroom. As everyone knows, sperm populations are highest first thing in the morning, so we are trying to take advantage of a little morning wood in the woods, if you know what I mean. In a tent. made out of thinner-than-paper nylon and mesh. With every member of my family in one of these contraptions within feet of us on all sides.  And two of my uncles, early risers, having a conversation over the very tent we are using. Ah, getting back to nature...

Beating the Heat

Portland, is practicing for being in Hell right now. But we have central air....thus the need to practice...Sorry, globe. You may be warming, but I am nice and cool! So, I am forced to slow down and find inside things to do. My DVR cue is already MUCH lighter, the house is vacuumed and dusted. No dishes or laundry to do. I finished my latest novel (reading, not writing...) Sewing or knitting sounds repressive currently. So, I thought I'd share with you some of my favorite pictures from this summer (so far):

My waterlilly finally bloomed last week! (On a side note, while I was writing this, Dan asked from the bathroom, "is the water running somewhere?" OH SHIT! I realized I had turned it on to add some water to the pond...about an hour ago!!! it is completely overflowing. I quickly added some more dechlorinator and am keeping my fingers crossed....I am SUCH an idiot!!!!!)

This morning when I was still in the lovely cool of the coast at my parents' house, Betsy (nee Elizabeth) was playing a little dress-up. She asked me to tie her tie just like Grandpa's (aka Hawpa or Popeye if you prefer). Then she asked me for a "griefcase". I simply CAN NOT STAND how cute those kids are! And as for Hawpa's office, we didn't touch it. What you see is AS IS.

The perfect cure for a slight case of the blues:

sitting with one of my best girlfriends on the last day of school sipping mojitos while listening to live salsa music. It doesn't get much better than that!

A few minor accomplisments today:

1. Not putting somebody's grandpa into traction when he kept braking for no reason  in front of me while apparently taking the same exact route I do the whole way  to work before I had ANY coffee.
2. Finally admitting I am once again off the coffee wagon and giving in to my addiction. We have such an on-again, off-again romance, coffee and me.
3. Finishing my last quarterly review and writing my final IEP of the year!!! Three more weeks!!!
4. Completing the entire Oregonian crossword puzzle within my lunch break.
5. Getting a lunch break.
6. Hitting yellow on every light on the way home. That has got to be a record somewhere.
7. Not getting a ticket on the way home.
8. Leaving work ON TIME!!! That is HUGE!
9. Managing to forget my husband at work and having to go all the way back and pick him up. Oops! Sorry, Honey!
10. Grocery shopping. We can eat, now!

I need to recognize every little success I can.

Currently I am obsessed with:

• Lost! Why, Michael, why? Now, how will Hurley EVER become deflowered? And who is Jack's mystery 1/2 sister? Its gotta be Claire...Who is this HE to whom they keep referring? and will Locke get pulled to the dark side? Lately, I'm just living Wednesday to Wednesday.
• Digging! By this time tomorrow there will be nothing left in front of my house but dirt. The pond project of 2005  has been replaced by the front yard relocation project of 2006. I have had to go back to the garden center three times to buy enough pots to temporarily house all my perennials. I have convinced my husband that it will be fun to rent a jackhammer to take out the old cracked concrete path this weekend and hopefully we will get all those plants put back to their new beds before they wilt any more than they already have.
• Thinking about the Fisher Family...We just finished the final two discs of Six Feet Under and all I can say is...........I am speechless. There is nothing that has moved me more in television or film. It still sticks with me, days later.
• Fresh Strawberries! I can't get enough of them. From my cereal to my dessert. This weekend I planted about 30-40 bare root plants. Mmmm, mmmm, mmm, I can't wait for those berries!
• High Fructose Corn Syrup... I feel like the last one on earth to know about this evil, evil, uniquely American artifical food product. And a little guilty, considering I have married into a corn empire. Obesity, heart disease and diabetes are no picnic, but what really hit home for me was the research that found female rats given high doses of fructose reabsorbed their litters. Yikes!

Show and Tell Monday

I just loaded pictures from as far back as last February onto my computer. It was a little shocking to my system to see the early belly shots we took from the pregnancy (sorry, I won't be sharing those...) but I also found some of these tidbits:

A baby sweater and hat knitted from leftover wool I dyed myself for a weaving class in college (like, um..cough, cough..15 years ago...). The project was a blanket for my mom.  If I ever get pregnant again, I just hope the kid is born in a chilly  month.

I hope our vet is reading!! Can you possibly imagine such a gentle beast needing chemical restraint?

This was an arrangement I put together in a flower arranging class I took. Here are my disclaimers:

1. Don't judge me for the ugly paneling in our kitchen. That wall will no longer exist in three months. Its days are numbered. You'll see!
2. I didn't get to choose the kinds of flowers, or the colors. Blech, statice and yellow roses?
3. It's not fresh, I took the picture the next day and the roses opened all wonky.
4. The photo is at an unflattering angle and you can't really see my favorite part, this great twisting branch of curly willow.

But, it was fun and I am not, as yet, giving up my fantasies of giving up teaching and becoming filthy rich as a  florist.

My Heroine

When I was in third grade, I had many ambitions. I wanted to be a veterinarian or a movie star. I wanted to marry Shaun Cassidy. I wanted to make Craig Winters, who sat behind me, dissappear. And I wanted to BE Nadia Comaneci. So much it hurt. Just looking at that Time Magazine cover, kind of gives me chills. I still hold a special eight year old girl crush love for that Romanian champion in my heart of hearts. I named my cat after her. So, you can imagine how full my heart is hearing the news that at the age of 44, she too is pregnant with her first child. Due in July. I just KNOW we are soul sisters!!

Bookmarking a Chapter for Later

What happened to the lovely Korin (sorry, this is now friends only!) was what prompted me to stop writing about work. I've been thinking about it for a long time, but the reality of reading her experience really knocked some sense into me.

The thing that is so hard for me is that this blog STARTED as a way to tell about all the hilarious things my students said and did. I wasn't even officially infertile a year ago. There are so many stories to tell, and I haven't told half of them BECAUSE of confidentiality issues. It makes me a little sad, but over the year this seems to have evolved into more of a personal blog. I hope I can be interesting enough on my own to hold a few people's attention!  I could  say 'I just do this only for myself', but who am I kidding? I have plenty of spiral notebooks at my disposal. This is public. I want to be heard by people. Certain people. I even have little fantasies of being found by CERTAIN real life people. Mostly good friends I would tell it all to anyway. A few people from my past. Generally, it is a very short list. There is no one I wouldn't want to know my personal thoughts.  I am not afraid of anyone knowing my feelings. But, I am afraid of hurting other people or being accused of acting unprofessionally.

When I was younger and living the Bridget Jones lifestyle, whenever there was some tragically comic moment of chaos or struggle in my family (and believe me, there were PLENTY back then...if only I wasn't such a late-comer to blogging...) the big joke between my mom and me was "this will be a chapter in the book." It was a way for us to laugh NOW at something that otherwise we'd only be able to look back later and laugh about. Things like the car breaking down in the middle of the desert in heat you could bake cookies in and my dad insisting on fixing it himself while we wait. Or the time nine of us stayed in a tiny condo together for my brother's wedding, bickering about every decision along the way. We only had to say "this will be a chapter in the book" and we were able to take a new perspective. There was only one stipulation: My mom made me promise that I write this "book" long after she was dead. I'm starting to realize writing about work is kind of the same. As much as I want to tell you all about all the hilarious and tragic things that happen on my job, I think I will just have to save them for "the book" I write when I retire.

He Came Back

Dan wants to keep him in a pen. Dexter wants to devour him. I'm trying to figure out if this is some kind of cosmic sign.

Sorry the picture is so blurry, but do you have any idea how jumpy those things are?
Out of sheer ignorance about peacocks, we tried an experiment. The results were that they don't like dried split peas or roasted, salted pumpkin seeds, but are big fans of pine nuts.

2005 in Review

Only 13 hours and 9 minutes left of 2005. Year of the Cock. The fourth year of the cock since I was born in 1969. I know, I know, the Chinese New Year isn't for a couple months. I just like saying that. '69, year of the cock. Hee Hee. Seriously, though. I couldn't be more thrilled to put a year behind me. Its been a long one. Let's review:

The year started filled with the images of the horrible tragedy in the Indian Ocean. One sweet and surprising thing that came out of that was the amazing  generosity some of my students showed for people so far away they couldn't even fathom. I had a kindergartner who tried to bring every thing he had for the jar in the office. He was even doing extra chores at home to earn money for the people accross the world until we finally had to tell him he had done enough, no more!

The month of January was also the month in which the Very Bad Thing happened to my sister and her family. I can't really say much, but it was VERY VERY stressful. No one in our family has seen or heard from her husband since around that time. January can also be remembered as the month we signed up for satellite service and thus brought about my downfall.

February shall be remembered as the month of  my initiation into the exclusive club of infertility. It marked the one year anniversary of "trying," although it was long past the end of sex for enjoyment. We actually sat watching that calendar, waiting for February to get here so we could finally get some medical help. It was still one month and a half before we could actually get an appointment. It felt like forever. It was also in February that I finally wrote my first blog post. I had signed up for a blog four months earlier, but never had the guts to put anything I had to say out there for the whole world to see. Little did I know, it was more like four or five people to see.

March came in like a lion on crack. It started with a volcanic explosion and ended with a visit to the doctor. Right away things started happening, like the clomid challenge test, HSG, lots of blood work, some quality masterbatorium time for Dan and eventually my first IUI, which I guess was so insignificant I didn't even post about it. March also was the month my cousin K unceremoniously announced to everyone of my (lack of) fertility status. Two days later she announced her own pregnancy.

Along came May and  the month of security guards at the door of the school because a crazy parent made a threat towards me. May also saw the start of Clomid cycle #2, the insanity that ensued and IUI #2. Before we knew it, school was out and we were forced to pack up our entire school to move into a much less desirable building to make way for a new program. Dan and I found relief by digging a big hole in the ground. I highly recommend it. 

When that cycle eventually failed, I gave clomid one more try. I had a good response, which was a miracle considering we spent the heart of that cycle partying in California with our friends, JJ and Corbin. When that failed, we quickly moved on. The summer was dominated by my fourth and final IUI. This time we tried injectibles, and we were so hopeful. It all went so fast with many distractions like the annual family camp-out , yummy summer goodness , concerts in the park and lots and lots of leisurely days of fantastic weather. Then one day came the amazing phone call that gave us hope. And dashed it on the rocks. All in a matter of hours. A few days later, IUI#4 failed and my parents sold our childhood vacation home.

This was the beginning of a dark time. I was really sad for a while. I hit my all time high weight-wise. Nothing much gave me pleasure. Dan's parents came out for a visit and I feel kind of bad about how not myself I was. I felt like I was going through the motions of life. The day my in-laws left, we had an appointment with the RE to discuss IVF. The whole idea scared the hell out of me and like a skittish kitten, I ran and hid for a while. It was easy since school started the following week. We stopped trying. Dan and I  had a lot of discussions, arguments and (excuse the pun) pregnant silences. We weren't ready to decide. We jumped headfirst into the rest of our lives.

Then came November. The hell month at work. The month of my surgery, which was my decision to not decide on IVF yet, the month of my dad's health scare. The month when three members of my family were in the hospital within one week. December flew by in a blur of sickness and pestilence. Everyone in my family was sick at least twice. My sisters house became uninhabitable due to rats and there was a lot of tension in the family. There was one very bright spot on the slopes of Mt. Hood. Then came the Christmas where the roof blew off. December was my unsuccessful hop back into the saddle of trying to conceive. And now (DEEP BREATH!) it's f i n a l l y over!