The title of my last post is starting to refer to how often I post. I confess: I have completely lost track of the blogging world and have no idea what has been going on with all the wonderful bloggers I love to read. Mea culpa, mea culpa. While I realize there is no excuse, let me offer some anyway. First of all, school started. That was the day after I found out I was pregnant. Exhaustion is my constant companion. Second of all, I am paralyzed by fear and anxiety and that is a friend to writer's block. I have had nothing to say for the past 3 weeks, unless you consider "please don't die" over and over day after day interesting. So, I hope not too many of you have completely given up on me...I may be coming out of my cave soon.
I'm beginning to poke my head out because yesterday we had our 7week ultrasound and this is NOT a phantom pregnancy. There is a little blob in there, very long and stretched out looking to me (takes after its father) with a HUGE (relative size) beating heart, 142 bpm. I was so scared when I went in for that appointment I could hardly breathe. It felt SOOO good to see that!
One hurdle overcome.
The next will be Oct 2. My due date for the previous pregnancy. I must have gotten on some lists because every day I get some free gift in the mail. One day it was a single newborn sized diaper from Pampers. Another it was two cans of formula from Similac. I don't know ANYONE who formula feeds, so if anyone could use them, they're yours. I can tell I'm really over that loss because when I get those things, I don't feel a stabbing pain in my heart anymore. Of course, it is a lot easier with a new horizon to look toward: May 9, 2007.
The real hurdle for me to get past will be week 13. October 25. I am SO afraid of repeating what happened last time. And the real loss for me and my...um....blob...is being able to be happy and enjoy this pregnancy. Being able to bond with the life inside of me and allow myself to love it and dream for its future. I feel bad, like I'm already being unfair to this little guy. I treated its sibling so differently. Even after infertility, I was so naive, so innocent. I'm worried that now there will always be a part of me that is holding back a little, protecting myself. And that is how I know this pregnancy will probably be fine. Because I already have issues to pass on to my child. Like a REAL mother.
you have no idea how happy i am to see apost from you. i'm glad its going well. i think of you and your blob often....and always sending the very best love and hope your way.
just remember what dory says - just keep swimming.
Posted by: korin | September 23, 2006 at 10:29 AM
NOw you know the kids' nickname is going to end up being blob because of this.=) Save the formula cans because you never know when they might come in handy. It's good to have an emergency food supply on hand in case you are gone, all the breastmilk gets eaten by dexter and the baby is hungry.
Posted by: Eileen | September 23, 2006 at 01:19 PM
I am so happy for you :^).
Posted by: anne nahm | September 23, 2006 at 03:12 PM
Blob is what I've called my little guy since my very first ultrasound, too. I'm so glad your u/s went well. How can we not protect ourselves after everything? My fingers are crossed for continued good news.
Posted by: amanda | September 23, 2006 at 04:20 PM
it's good to read this! i'm sending positive thoughts your way.
Posted by: rachel | September 23, 2006 at 05:28 PM
Lots of love and prayers to you and your little blob!!!!!!!
Posted by: victoria winters | September 25, 2006 at 08:18 AM
Congratulations!
It's funny - I was reading through my blog subscriptions. Just read the blog of a British pal of mine and learned she's pregnant. Right after I read that, I saw that you'd posted. I thought, "I'll read Joie and hopefully her news will be the same as what I just read."
And damn if it was!
Sending lots and lots of first trimester prayers your way.
As for that formula, you can donate it to one of your local crisis nurseries.
Posted by: Robin | September 25, 2006 at 01:04 PM
I'm so happy to hear that the good news keeps coming! Do what you need to to get through this tired/anxious time and if that means not blogging then we'll just have to cope. But update as often as you can, because I'm still reading and still wanting all the best for Blob.
Posted by: Lisa | September 26, 2006 at 02:32 PM
Phew. Delighted to hear about the beating heart. Long may it continue.
Posted by: thalia | October 03, 2006 at 11:14 AM
Congrats!!!! I haven't been keeping up with you and was just wondering how things were going, so I stopped by and got a wonderful surprise! I'm so happy for you!
Posted by: HinSD | October 14, 2006 at 08:37 AM
Just checking in, and hoping you and your blob are doing VERY well!
Posted by: kris | October 18, 2006 at 11:48 AM