joie

Finding a voice

Yeah, so the run of the mill raising two children under age three and working was getting a little easy for me so I decided to throw in the holidays, a husband with a mysterious as-yet-undiagnosable medical mystery and selling a house while figuring out what to do if it actually does sell. NOW my life is interesting.

Today is a day for looking back. The end of a year, a decade. A big decade. A lot happened. The world changed in so many ways. My world changed in so many ways. I would love to write a long beautiful post analyzing this in great detail, but its past midnight and those kids wake up sooo early.

To summarize, changes happened in a very whirlwindy kind of way and now that some of the dust is starting to settle I am finding its time to sort through all the debris and make some decisions about what to keep and what to toss. This blog started out as a place to write all the funny stories that just HAD to be told about my ca-RAZ-EEE job working with emotionally disturbed children. Very funny, but mostly removed because I realized this is a much smaller world than originally thought. Then having babies proved harder and more painful than originally thought. All that is still here. I'm too tired and lazy to link. Scroll through if you are interested. I chronicled my years of infertility treatments. But then, right as I was about to embark on my first IVF cycle, it had to be canceled due to pregnancy. Go figure. In May 2007 I became a mommy to Gabriel and 20 months later his surprisingly easy to conceive sister, Eloise. Life has never been the same. Nor has blogging. I guess I never really found my voice as a mommy blogger and as much as I love being a mom, I just don't have much to say about it that seems very interesting. Oh, I write a mean Facebook status once in a while, but a whole blog post?

So, today I joined NaBloPoMo for January and I intend to exercise those muscles again. It will take a while to find the purpose of this blog, but I'm starting to get an inkling...I have always been a creative person. I minored in fine art in college. I love to sculpt, paint, draw. I knit, I have a loom  gathering dust in my garage. In the last few years I have not found the time, or made it a priority. And there is a hole in my life because of it. Not only that, but I have a craft closet with half done quilts and baby sweaters literally falling out of it (did I mention we are trying to sell the house and the storage unit we rented to help it seem less cluttered is already full?) My resolution for 2010 is to work on these projects a little every day. And (the HARD part) not start anything new until I finish something old. I need to create to feel alive. My little sister, who amazes me with her creative bold designs and lifestyle talked me into joining this. I'm starting small. My goal is a pastel sketch of my children each day (while technically something new, I am not buying anything new to do this. I am using already owned materials, which means I am finishing something I already started). 10 minutes a day. I can do this. I'll be writing everyday and sketching everyday for a month. This could be life changing.

Blind leading the blind weaning

When Gabe was an infant I couldn't WAIT to start feeding him food. I had my food mill and mini processor at the ready, my freezer full of organic purees of all sorts prepared with love and anticipation. I loved feeding him and he loved his food. At 11 months, I found out I was pregnant again and my milk supply really decreased. He sort of gradually lost interest in nursing and at 11 1/2 months he weaned himself. Two weeks of formula and then at his first birthday, on to cow's milk, never looking back.

The second time around has been soooo different. First of all Eloise had no interest in anything but milk for 7 1/2 months. At first I felt horrible. I was doing something wrong if she wasn't moving on to the next stage on schedule. But I knew she got everything she needed from her favorite food: mama's milk. So, I have to admit, some days I just forgot to try with the baby food. Of course I am busier and more tired with two. I can't imagine finding the time to make homemade babyfood. Most meals both of the parents in our house are on high alert incase the toddler goes ballistic and starts grabbing and throwing, bracing ourselves for the nightly scream fest. So I usually just found something on my plate that she wouldn't choke on and put it in front of her. When I became aware that the AAP loosened its recommendations since Gabe was a baby, well, it became a lazy mom free for all. I asked my pediatrician before I gave Eloise peanut butter, of course. The doctor complimented me for being such a savvy mom (blush) and said, "sure, just keep a bottle of Benadryl near by--just in case." Seriously, this id as really what she said.

Now Eloise eats whatever the rest of us eat. She loves EVERYTHING and it is sooo easy. Of course, her favorite food is still stored on Mama's chest. I had no idea this had a name and so much was written about my way of NOT putting any effort into feeding my baby. I feel really good about the fact that I am giving my child "the perfect food" and all, but I have to tell you, that's not necessarily the top reason I do. Even if La Leche League endorsed a formula that every scientist in the world unanimously agreed was the best thing ever for babies, I'd breastfeed. I am one of the lucky ones. It came easy for me and my babies. Always ready and at arm's reach. Nothing to think about. Perfect for a lazy mom like me.

And the only time I've EVER used the Benadryl was one time when Gabe was having trouble falling asleep and happened to have a very runny nose.

Sometimes a boy just needs to release a little tension

After one of THOSE nights (when you think you were up with the kid all night long and in the morning compare notes with your spouse and find its worse than you thought...), the morning started off...energetic?...busy?...manic? Well, like this: Before 8 am Gabe had eaten breakfast, tortured the cat several times, done three puzzles, emptied a drawer of kitchen utensils on to the floor, played with his bowling set, had a snack, knocked over his play kitchen and all its contents, pushed his little sister down several times, colored, and VERY reluctantly and with much urging, "helped" clean most of it up. at 8 am, Mama resorted to TV. Eloise took a nap and the cat enjoyed a break from the tail pulling. Ahhhhhh...peace.

When it was over he seemed sweet and calm. So deceptive. Because then it was time to get dressed. Like we always do. Everyday. Without complaint. I wish someone had warned me that today was the day wearing pants was going to RUIN Gabe's life. Its music class day. My bottom line is you need to wear pants to music class. Wear last seasons trends, mix plaids and stripes for all I care, but you must wear pants. In the midst of throwing toys at me and screaming while stomping his feet frantically, he started demanding "Ssssnaaaack!"

Okay, good distraction, "What kind of snack would you like?"

"SSSSSSNAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!"

"Do you want an orange?"

"NO!"

"crackers?"

"NO!"

"banana?"

"NNNNOOOOO!"

"What kind of snack do you want?"

"Ssssnaaaack!"

"pretzels?"

"NNNNOOOOO!"

And here is where Mama paused momentarily and took a sanity break. Nothing was going to make this kid happy. So I sort of followed an impulse. And tickled him. I tickled him until he was belly laughing and begging for more. Attitude successfully readjusted.

Sometimes a boy just needs to release a little tension

After one of THOSE nights (when you think you were up with the kid all night long and in the morning compare notes with your spouse and find its worse than you thought...), the morning started off...energetic?...busy?...manic? Well, like this: Before 8 am Gabe had eaten breakfast, tortured the cat several times, done three puzzles, emptied a drawer of kitchen utensils on to the floor, played with his bowling set, had a snack, knocked over his play kitchen and all its contents, pushed his little sister down several times, colored, and VERY reluctantly and with much urging, "helped" clean most of it up. at 8 am, Mama resorted to TV. Eloise took a nap and the cat enjoyed a break from the tail pulling. Ahhhhhh...peace.

When it was over he seemed sweet and calm. So deceptive. Because then it was time to get dressed. Like we always do. Everyday. Without complaint. I wish someone had warned me that today was the day wearing pants was going to RUIN Gabe's life. Its music class day. My bottom line is you need to wear pants to music class. Wear last seasons trends, mix plaids and stripes for all I care, but you must wear pants. In the midst of throwing toys at me and screaming while stomping his feet frantically, he started demanding "Ssssnaaaack!"

Okay, good distraction, "What kind of snack would you like?"

"SSSSSSNAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!"

"Do you want an orange?"

"NO!"

"crackers?"

"NO!"

"banana?"

"NNNNOOOOO!"

"What kind of snack do you want?"

"Ssssnaaaack!"

"pretzels?"

"NNNNOOOOO!"

And here is where Mama paused momentarily and took a sanity break. Nothing was going to make this kid happy. So I sort of followed an impulse. And tickled him. I tickled him until he was belly laughing and begging for more. Attitude successfully readjusted.

NaNoBloMe

For a while there Facebook took over all my internet energy.  More accurately, I should say SUCKED it all. I'm about over it. I think I've found all the ex boyfriends and the high school buddies and the college roomates and it hasn't changed a thing. I think the addiction originally started when I was HUGELY pregnant in a snowstorm last December. I was trapped inside and so was the majority of my world. Facebook was abuzz. Then I had baby #2 and my physical world became very confined. I lived my life from nap to nap. In 30 seconds I could have the illusion that I was interacting socially while the diapers soaked without taking my eyes off the toddler. But I wasn't. And the loneliness is sinking deep.

Yesterday I met up with some mamas from a play group I used to attend religiously when Gabe was a tiny infant. Around the time our babies started to walk and talk, we disbanded. I have missed them fiercely and am so happy that more and more of us are reconnecting.

In between the Mafia Wars and Farmville postings I have been noticing a surge in blog postings for NaNoBloMo (or whatever....). This got me curious and I went back to check in on several of the blogs I used to follow. All this time I haven't been writing, I also stopped reading blogs. I just stepped back. Not sure why. Its been so fun to see all the lovely mamas I followed through heartache and infertility with beautiful babies and children. Now struggling through the frustrations and joys of parenthood.

I was completely surprised to see that someone actually still links here. That one blogger has not completely written me off as fallen off the face of the planet gives me hope. And inspired me to post. So the rest of you might be posting every day this month, but that I did it at all is my accomplishment.

Heavy

Things are hard right now. 105 degrees on my back porch today. I ache all over and I'm not sure why. Went in to the doctor to have my broken foot x-rayed and it hasn't healed. Its not surprising. Long healing times are expected according to Dr. Internet . Dr Real Life is giving me one more month before we talk surgery. Great! I give up my whole summer for nothing and then start the healing process again right when I have to go back to work?!? And how am I ever going to manage working again when I can barely get through a day as it is?

The toddler stage is proving much more challenging than I ever thought. Gabe has revealed himself as a very spirited child. Going through the traits:

1. Intensity? Oh, HELL ya! Gabe is a very passionate guy. He can out scream any toddler I know.
2. Persistence? OH MY GOD, this kid never gives up. EVER. Sometimes he wakes up the next morning continuing the mantra from the night before.
3. Sensitivity? Not so much. It would be weird if he had all the traits, wouldn't it?
4. Perceptiveness? This is actually a fun one. He is constantly surprising me with the tiny details he picks up on and REMEMBERS! This kid is a steel trap!
5. Adaptability? It takes a week to recover from one night out. Its impossible to get across to you the ugliness that ensues when I open the cupboard and he was expecting pretzel sticks and instead there are pretzel rounds. He gets in his head what he wants and if its even a little bit different, it is a tragedy.
6. Regularity? Oh, don't even get me started on his erratic sleep. I gave up on potty training for the time being because although he would sit and use the potty successfully if I anticipated when he needed to go, anticipating when he needed to go became my LIFE and I got tired of cleaning up accidents.
7. Energy? Yes, he's energetic, but aren't all toddlers? Not sure if this is off the scales.
8. First Reaction? He seems to have a pretty normal first reaction to me. Unless of course he was expecting something different (refer to #5).
9. Mood? He's definitely one of those "sunny personality" kids, thank goodness for him!

But who needs labels to tell me I am overwhelmed! I can't keep up with the messes and the demands. I can't meet all of his needs let alone his sisters. Oh yeah, remember, six months ago I had ANOTHER baby? And as easy going and adaptable as she is, she has needs too. For one, unlike her brother at that age, she doesn't really like to eat solid food, so at nearly seven months I am still her sole source of nutrition. Did I mention this one won't take a bottle either? So, Eloise sits in the exersaucer too much and Gabe watches too much TV and Mommy feels like she is not doing a very good job.

My house is a mess. And crowded. 200 sqare feet per occupant (the dog, bigger than both kids combined, counts) is not enough. I rarely get out and feel incredibly isolated. I am more sleep deprived than I ever imagined I could be. Last night bedtime took 4 hours. HOURS! The two of them, not even in the same room, kept waking each other up. Dan seems even more overwhelmed than I am and his way of coping is distancing himself. I feel so alone.

I just can't keep up

I was just in the other room rocking his sister to sleep for five minutes. FIVE minutes!! And I hear a loud crash, bang and the muffled sound of debris settling. I put my dear sweet baby down. She starts crying. I pick her back up and cross my fingers Gabe is just momentarily quiet because he is engaged in what he is doing. Finally, she is settled and I can go in there and check. This is what I find:

Not sure why the flotation device. Maybe he knows something. God help us all if he is planning something. In the time it took to wait for that picture to upload and write one paragraph, he snuck out the dog door twice. When I finished, I turned around, DIRECTLY BEHIND ME to find this:

That would be the rest of the Oxiclean. At least he is occupied. I'll sweep it up later. You better believe I'll still use it. We are STRAPPED for cash around here. Every grain of Oxiclean costs money. All I ask is that next time he feels like starting some new demolition projects, that he AT LEAST wait until I've had my coffee so I have a fighting chance.

Whiplash!

My life has taken a turn on the merry go round and landed at the other side. I have come so far beyond what I was writing about two, three, four years ago, I haven't quite found my new voice. But, I miss this. And after reading My sister's hilarious blog and ass-dissapearingly funny old blog, I am inspired.

To give a brief synopsis of the last two years, some of which will be review: I had a baby boy. Gained a lot of weight. Lost it all. Had a baby girl. Gained a lot of weight. Working on losing it, figuring out who I am and keeping ahead of the huge tidal wave of tedious tasks that make up my life.

I can no longer say I have "Two under two" Because my baby boy just crossed that milestone. But, I can say that life with a toddler and an infant is MORE. More joy, more insanity, more noise, more diapers, more exasperation, more frustration, more love, more laundry, MORE MORE MORE!! The highest highs and the lowest lows. And everything has changed.

I'm sure the old fans of this blog have long moved on, which may be a good thing. I am starting over. I birthed two babies (in a matter of speaking...two unplanned cesareans and two unsuccessful natural births will be a topic for another day...) and in the process re-birthed myself. This blog, whether anyone reads it or not will be part of the process of discovery for me. This turn on the merry go round has happened so fast, I haven't taken much time to examine it. Now its time for me to pick myself up off the ground, dust of the sand, take a deep breath and figure out where in the hell I landed!

Doin it our way

That honey-oak finish crib that I spent two months researching before I decided to buy? Is now the world's most expensive and large quilt rack. We are officially co-sleepers 100% of the time. Gabe and I have an agreement. I instill an "open bra" policy on nursing, put up with the occasional punches in the face and redefine the phrase "wet spot". He gives me 75% more sleep and sweet, sweet cuddles all night long. Oh, and he agrees to sleep in the occasional wet spot.

It all started the week of the triple crown: two new teeth, separation anxiety and mama's return to work all came into our lives in a big violent crash over the course of about three days. He was in pain, he missed me. I missed him. SO MUCH. After a looooong day with children who seem perpetually difficult to calm, I could come home to my sweet baby boy and create an island of peace and love in our cozy bed with the magic of my presence (and my milk). And now that we know that joy, how can we ever go back?

Mr. November

He can hate me for this later. For now, isn't he adorable?