joie

The light at the end of the tunnel

Yikes! Yes, I am still here, and yes, I am still pregnant (watch out, stay back when you ask that question...You're likely to get hit...) By all measures, I really should be holding my little boy by now, but he likes it so much in his cocoon he is choosing to stay a little longer. And I have agreed (with a lot of hesitation and doubt) to agree to start an induction. I go in tonight at 9:30 and am hoping by tomorrow I will be gazing into his eyes. I am actually very excited. I know induction can sometimes be a dirty word, especially because I have planned (and still do) to have a completely natural birth using HypnoBirthing. But, after a lot of deliberation, I feel right about this, based on these facts:

• I am already effaced 80% and dialated 3cm, the baby just hasn't descended much and contractions aren't starting. This is most likely because he is BIG, they tell me. I should be ready to go once I can get a pattern of contractions started.
• I am assured they are going to start with the gentlest forms of "encouragement" first and pitocin is about the fourth or fifth measure they will try only if the others don't work
• As Dan reminded me, this kid has a history of doing it on his own and making us cancel scheduled medical procedures. We're going with our superstitions on this one.
• I am SOOOOO done with swelling, heartburn, carpal tunnel syndrome, constantly itching skin, lugging around all this extra weight, and my achy pelvis. I just want to get this over with. Horrible and selfish, but true.
• This one grates on me the most: My midwife has a vacation planned for this weekend. If I want her, the person I hand picked to support me in my plans to have a gentle birth, we need to do it before Thursday because she wants that day to pack. Otherwise, I would be in perfectly capable hands with the on-call OB. And he HAS to be born by this time next week anyway, so why not just do it now? GRRRR! That is the worst reason to do this, but I do really want her there, so I am giving in.

Wish me luck!!

Continual Expansion

It all started with a "big bang" (he-he) and I have been expanding ever since. At an increasing rate. Infact, it turns out, too fast. At yesterday's 34 week midwife check-up, my belly measured 3 weeks too big!!! So, I get yet another picture of the little guy in a few days to see what's going on. PLEASE let it be extra fluid and NOT a really big baby!!!! Here is a picture from 2 weeks ago, when I measured right on track. So, imagine this five weeks bigger!!!

BONUS! Two posts in one week!

Since we're having a boy, the inevitable question of circumcision was bound to come up. Actually, its not even a question for us, but others have asked it. I honestly see no reason to remove a healthy body part that doesn't even belong to me. Although, we have thrown about the idea of removing those pesky tonsils right away. You know, incase he gets strep throat later on in life. Its so much easier when they're little. While we're at it, my husband had chronic ear infections in childhood, maybe we should take care of that problem, too...

Okay, I'm getting a little defensive, here....But its hard not to after visiting some of the message boards at babycenter or fertility friend. WOW! there is no other issue people have stronger, angrier feelings about! I guess I'm starting to get caught up in it, so instead of fueling those fires, I'll put it all down here. This is an issue that people have strong, unchanging opinions on. I have yet to meet someone who isn't sure how they feel. I'm including myself, of course, but because long, involved internet research sessions are my hobby, I looked into it anyway. And I ran into this story right in my own back yard. Poor Misha.

The view from my head

Well, this was the view of my belly three weeks ago. Now you probably would no longer be able to see my knees. I wish I had a more recent shot, but my life has been a whirlwind lately. Our remodel is wrapping up and soon (crossing fingers...please...) I can FINALLY get to what I have been waiting my whole life for....the baby's room! OH MY GOD, this is for real! The kitchen is better than we ever thought. I'll post pictures soon. I love it and look forward to raising our son here. I never thought I would say that. I can just see him playing with a train set on the crazy patchwork floor of the bonus room or sitting down in our cozy new dining room to help him with his homework. And we'll be doing that a lot, since we spent his college fund on it and he will need to earn a scholarship.

Today we had our first Hypnobirthing class. I am very excited. I think this is the perfect method for me. It is just intuitive and alternative enough for my heart, but really all based on very sound physiological principles that satisfies the overactive logical brain that truly rules me. I'm really looking forward to give birth using this method. Well, that's about all I have in me for now. I'm off to have a snack....

Its about time for an update!

Well, I'm sitting here comfortably warm from the new super high-efficiency heat pump wondering how much time I have until the contractor shows up and I have to put pants on. He's been here seven days this week, and home is not the most relaxing place to be. On the plus side, he is finally getting his butt in gear! Here is our new dining room so far:

This is all giving my natural pregnancy nesting instincts an uber-challenge. Over winter break, Dan and I had one of our many remodeling-stress-times-pregnancy-hormones-induced fights over the fact that the crib and changing table I ordered came a little earlier than expected. And there is NO WHERE to put them. I have been waiting three years to put this nursery together and my patience is WEARING THIN!!!

We had fully intended to wait until the birth and be surprised by the gender of the baby, but a combination of factors got the better of us:

• A tarot card reader at a friend's holiday party told us it would be a boy
• choosing names turned out to be more of a challenge than we anticipated and we wanted to narrow it down
• Dan couldn't stand that everyone who ever read our medical file would know and we wouldn't
• My curiousity got the best of me!

So.......

Turns out..........

The tarot card reader was right! Go figure....We're having a boy! Now, let the naming wars begin!

So far in the remodeling arena, decisions have been fairly smooth. We have similar taste in most things and we can find compromises we are both happy with. Who knew we each would come up with names the other HATED so much? Its good that we have four more months to go (knock on wood!) because we will need that much time to negotiate.

So, last night I saw Children of Men and I am having some thoughts about it. Not sure if it was a good idea to see at 23 weeks of pregnancy or not (for those that have seen it: think the scene in the primary school with the midwife...), but it seems to me it would definitely NOT be a good idea to see if you are still struggling with infertility. It paints a pretty bleak and believable picture of a future with no children. There is NO WAY I could have seen it if I wasn't in this place in my life. But, at the same time is ultimately hopeful and makes you really feel what an incredible miracle creating and nurturing life inside your body is. I felt so special and blessed as I watched, sitting in that theater seat, feeling my little boy do somersaults inside me.

Aside from all that, it is an amazing film, well written, directed and amazing performances from all the actors. Besides, if that isn't enough reason, you get to look at Clive Owen in practically every scene!

17 weeks 5 days update

A select few people (on a need-to-know basis) at work up to now have been aware of my "situation". But for some unknown reason, today just seemed to be the day that I decided to start telling people. Maybe because I have finally given up on all my regular pants. Maybe  because I got my first baby clothes as a gift a week ago and it has suddenly HIT me. A human being of THOSE proportions is going to move in here!!!! Oh, yeah, and I have started to feel little movements that feel like being stabbed with a Q-tip from the inside. I think this is real. Omigod! THIS IS REAL!!!

Dan and I seem to be on the same wavelength. He's telling people, too. Today, waiting for those damn buses to get out of here already, someone came up to me and said "I hear you have some news, congratulations!"
"Thanks"
"You're not the only one around here pregnant"
"Yeah, K, too." K is due in January.
"Well, her, too, but actually, I meant N." Here I am, blissfully enjoying what I ached over for so long. I have what I want. Why can't I be happy for others? I adore N. She is so sweet and deserving of happiness. So, why did hearing N. is expecting feel like such a punch in the stomach?  Well, a few reasons:

• She only recently attended our first after-work happy hour because before that she wasn't old enough.
• Her boyfriend works with us too, and although I also adore him (a funny, interesting, well-traveled guy), he is a Player. And I don't just throw that term around. he gets high at work, has juggled multiple women fairly recently, flaky.
• They were TRYING. And it happened sooner than they thought. (Hate them!)
• She is due in August and already has announced it. So, what is that, six weeks along? MAYBE?! Arghh!
• And, lets face it, the number one reason I'm all pissy about this is......She is stealing my well-deserved, hard-fought thunder!

Thank you for allowing me to be petty and small for a moment. I feel better already!

This is NOT a baby hat

This was part of a birthday present to my poor mother who broke her leg recently. It is a cast-sized toe warmer in the most festive looking yarn I could find to bring a little cheer into her life. The trajedy happened to her about 10 days before she turned 65. Now she really gets to take the new medicare plan she chose after much deliberation and even some seminars out for a drive. And I have been learning all about which grocery stores have the best motorized carts and disabled parking spots.  Alright. That is excuse number one for not blogging.

Excuse number two:

Our contractor finally got started. This picture was taken at the end of day 2 of work. Impressive. That was three weeks ago and it still looks exactly like that. Partly because it seems bringing and arranging all the tools just right takes a long long time. Partly because of (in chronological order of discovery):

• The gaping 1-inch gap between our roof and the chimney. Good time for that considering our recent weather.
• The main water shut off valve is impossible to get to, even for a plumber. It has to be moved. Who knew? In ten years of living here, I've never had to use it.
• There is extensive dry rot in the studs of our house. The roof will need to be jacked up and they will be replaced.
• Oh, wait, the dry rot was caused by termites. We have subterranean termites. which means they live in the ground and just come up to snack on the structures keeping our roof from falling on top of us while we sleep. We need an exterminator.

One thing we like about this contractor is that he shares our values in using environmentally friendly materials. Of course, that usually means paying more. But at least we can breathe in that healthy easy feeling. So, he went ahead and called an "environmentally friendly" exterminator. They claim to use poisons that are (to quote their brochure) "gentle on humans and pets but devastating to pests". Okay, what does THAT mean? Do they simply "gently" harm me? Another one of their brochure claims is "we use only naturally derived chemical and plant ingredients." You mean like arsenic, lead, mercury, digitalis and deadly nightshade? Those are all natural!  Update: the contractor just left us a message and apparently one of the chemicals IS something starting with the word arsenic.

The small blessing in all this is that we will be gone while this is done. We have the whole week off and are bound for the great midwest for Thanksgiving.

As for the rest of my life, I am still pregnant (yay!) going on 16 weeks!!!! I can't believe it. I actually look slightly pregnant, now. We had the first trimester triple screen about three weeks ago and "passed". My odds of having a baby with Down Syndrome went from 1 in 110 (due to age) to 1 in 1200 something and trisomy 18 went down to 1 in 10,000. If this kid has that, I'm buying a lottery ticket. Actually those odds are still worse. But, we are greatly relieved and starting to relax a little. Which is really scary.

Okay, NOW I'm 12 weeks!

I truly had no intention to deceive last week...sorry for any confusion! I said I had started the 12th week, which I meant in the way this is the 21st century...so NOW I can say I have reached 12 weeks!! That is further than I have ever been towards eventually holding a real living baby of my own. And I feel this day can not go by without acknowledgement of the (for lack of a better word) anniversary this marks. One pregnancy ago, on exactly this day, close to this exact time, Dan was rushing my gushing body to the the emergency room, the first of three trips that week.

Today was much different. I couldn't even zip my jeans. I LAUGH at the idea of buttoning. I am so hormonal I am afraid of what I might say to the next person who crosses me. And what's with suddenly getting acne at 37? OH, and don't get me started on the major case of Placenta Brain I have. I am forgetting everyone's names, not getting really obvious jokes, mixed up Lost and Survivor(!!!!!) in a conversation today and in a restaurant, used the men's room because I forgot to read the sign. I think I may have caused an old man, who walked in just as I was soaping up, some coronary issues. Yep, I am definitely still pregnant.

And as a public service, I thought I would offer a list of things that DO NOT help with a hormone-induced migraine (I think- it would be my first):

• Tylenol
• Herbal tea
• Behavior disordered first through third graders. Nope definitely NOT this one, avoid at ALL costs!
• Drinking lots of water
• More Tylenol. F'ing Tylenol!! I miss my Advil. SO. MUCH.
• A heating pad
• Trying to decipher a contract for a construction project about to start on one's house five months late.
• A backrub
• Lights of any sort. NO LIGHTS!
• Sleeping

After 24 hours it just decided to stop. Thank GOD!

Lovely Wednesday

Here I am, coming out from under my rock. Wearing maternity pants. They really are still too big, and yet they are the only thing that doesn't cut me in half and make my belly look like a two-tiered snowman. I'm in that very awkward, "she just looks fat" stage.

So, I realized I am being a little antisocial today when one co-worker asked another coworker if "everything is alright" with me. She added, "I'm getting a vibe from her." The other coworker said, "you mean like a mental vibe?" So, either they think I may be going crazy or really unfriendly.

I've been so afraid to answer the question, "how are you" and "what's new", just so TERRIFIED to say "it" out loud to anyone but my very innermost circle (the entire internet included, of course...) that I guess I have been a little aloof. Well, soon enough I'm going to have to let the cat out of the bag. I'm running out of baggy clothes.

In completely unrelated and trivial news, don't you just LOVE Wednesday?! Seriously, my absolute FAVORITE day! First of all, my students have early release on Wednesdays and that is just like having your favorite holiday EVERY WEEK! Then there is the fact that my two absolute favorite tv shows in the whole wide world are both on  Wednesday (Lost and Project Runway) and I am blessed to live in the age of DVR! Wednesday also happens to be the day I hit a new pregnacy week. Week 12 started today. My fingers are beginning to uncross. Just a little.

I'm a BAD, BAD blogger!

The title of my last post is starting to refer to how often I post. I confess: I have completely lost track of the blogging world and have no idea what has been going on with all the wonderful bloggers I love to read. Mea culpa, mea culpa. While I realize there is no excuse, let me offer some anyway. First of all, school started. That was the day after I found out I was pregnant. Exhaustion is my constant companion. Second of all, I am paralyzed by fear and anxiety and that is a friend to writer's block. I have had nothing to say for the past 3 weeks, unless you consider "please don't die" over and over day after day interesting. So, I hope not too many of you have completely given up on me...I may be coming out of my cave soon.

I'm beginning to poke my head out because yesterday we had our 7week ultrasound and this is NOT a phantom pregnancy. There is a little blob in there, very long and stretched out looking to me (takes after its father) with a HUGE (relative size) beating heart, 142 bpm. I was so scared when I went in for that appointment I could hardly breathe. It felt SOOO good to see that!

One hurdle overcome.

The next will be Oct 2. My due date for the previous pregnancy. I must have gotten on some lists because every day I get some free gift in the mail. One day it was a single newborn sized diaper from Pampers. Another it was two cans of formula from Similac. I don't know ANYONE who formula feeds, so if anyone could use them, they're yours. I can tell I'm really over that loss because when I get those things, I don't feel a stabbing pain in my heart anymore. Of course, it is a lot easier with a new horizon to look toward: May 9, 2007.

The real hurdle for me to get past will be week 13. October 25. I am SO afraid of repeating what happened last time. And the real loss for me and my...um....blob...is being able to be happy and enjoy this pregnancy. Being able to bond with the life inside of me and allow myself to love it and dream for its future. I feel bad, like I'm already being unfair to this little guy. I treated its sibling so differently. Even after infertility, I was so naive, so innocent. I'm worried that now there will always be a part of me that is holding back a little, protecting myself. And that is how I know this pregnancy will probably be fine. Because I already have issues to pass on to my child. Like a REAL mother.