joie

This is NOT a baby hat

This was part of a birthday present to my poor mother who broke her leg recently. It is a cast-sized toe warmer in the most festive looking yarn I could find to bring a little cheer into her life. The trajedy happened to her about 10 days before she turned 65. Now she really gets to take the new medicare plan she chose after much deliberation and even some seminars out for a drive. And I have been learning all about which grocery stores have the best motorized carts and disabled parking spots.  Alright. That is excuse number one for not blogging.

Excuse number two:

Our contractor finally got started. This picture was taken at the end of day 2 of work. Impressive. That was three weeks ago and it still looks exactly like that. Partly because it seems bringing and arranging all the tools just right takes a long long time. Partly because of (in chronological order of discovery):

• The gaping 1-inch gap between our roof and the chimney. Good time for that considering our recent weather.
• The main water shut off valve is impossible to get to, even for a plumber. It has to be moved. Who knew? In ten years of living here, I've never had to use it.
• There is extensive dry rot in the studs of our house. The roof will need to be jacked up and they will be replaced.
• Oh, wait, the dry rot was caused by termites. We have subterranean termites. which means they live in the ground and just come up to snack on the structures keeping our roof from falling on top of us while we sleep. We need an exterminator.

One thing we like about this contractor is that he shares our values in using environmentally friendly materials. Of course, that usually means paying more. But at least we can breathe in that healthy easy feeling. So, he went ahead and called an "environmentally friendly" exterminator. They claim to use poisons that are (to quote their brochure) "gentle on humans and pets but devastating to pests". Okay, what does THAT mean? Do they simply "gently" harm me? Another one of their brochure claims is "we use only naturally derived chemical and plant ingredients." You mean like arsenic, lead, mercury, digitalis and deadly nightshade? Those are all natural!  Update: the contractor just left us a message and apparently one of the chemicals IS something starting with the word arsenic.

The small blessing in all this is that we will be gone while this is done. We have the whole week off and are bound for the great midwest for Thanksgiving.

As for the rest of my life, I am still pregnant (yay!) going on 16 weeks!!!! I can't believe it. I actually look slightly pregnant, now. We had the first trimester triple screen about three weeks ago and "passed". My odds of having a baby with Down Syndrome went from 1 in 110 (due to age) to 1 in 1200 something and trisomy 18 went down to 1 in 10,000. If this kid has that, I'm buying a lottery ticket. Actually those odds are still worse. But, we are greatly relieved and starting to relax a little. Which is really scary.

I passed!

Greetings from the House of Irritablility. Between the Clomid, the pot withdrawals and the sudden winter-like weather (where did our summer go?!) We are not at the top of our game around here. Not much new to tell. I "passed" the challenge test. I believe the actuall words used by the nurse were "your results were awsome". That sound you heard was a big fat sigh of relief. And yet, is it really any consolation to hear (once again) everything looks great, there is no reason we can find you can't get (stay) pregnant? So, now I wait for a positive OPK for one more insemination. I couldn't be less excited about any of this. We've been here before. Several times. Yawn. I have no expectations whatsoever. As far as the IVF, I am scheduled for a training mid-September. Then my RE is on vacation for two weeks, so I'm not sure what's next. But, we're headed there.

I'm already getting that 'back to school' feeling. Summer is winding down. Right now I am wearing two layers of long-sleeved shirt, sweatpants and am wrapped in a blanket that just came out of the dryer. Yesterday I bought a new planning book for this year. My mind is starting to turn to field trips, bulletin boards and math curriculum. And, of course, substitutes for retrieval day and transfer day. Oh! and all the ultrasound scans...boy oh boy!

Well, there is one thing I am a little excited about. Next week I will take part in a group accupuncture treatment. All the participants will be women trying to conceive. Its been over a year since I did accupunture and I miss the sense of calm it gave me.

Two of my cousins have been in town for a few weeks. You may have gathered I come from a close (however not completely sane) family since I don't hold back much on that subject. Despite that, I haven't returned any phone calls or made any effort to see them. Today I can't avoid it any longer. There's an engagement party for one. She's marrying the guy she once had a restraining order out on. They live overseas in the military nowhere near any kind of support group. What does one bring to this kind of occasion? Mace? An open ended one-way ticket home? A gift certificate with no expiration for a divorce attorney? Okay, okay, I'm not being very open-minded, am I? But, we all see it coming. Her sister will be there, too. With her baby. The one that was born a week after my miscarriage. The one that was a complete accident, not entirely embraced at first, and has my favorite boy's name.

A Pot Pourri of Random Snippets (Warning: this one is totally rated 'R')

Yesterday I went on a big family field trip to the zoo. The ZOO! I haven't been there in since I was in short pants (aka the pre-cellulite years). Yesterday was the first Sunday that has been below 'infernal' on the thermometer in a while. After last week, 70 degrees felt like sweater weather. "The perfect day to go to the zoo," Said the ENTIRE city of Portland! Yes, a little crowded but always an experience. My family never lets me down with fodder for the blog. I knew it would be an interesting day when my cousin greeted me with "We almost got a divorce this morning, [but decided to invite you all to the zoo, instead]". Later I found out on the other side of the coffee shop, her husband was telling Dan, "If it was possible to get a divorce over the phone, our marriage would be over by now." I love spending time with family! But, really, I do. So much material!

It was sad, because we had to say good-bye to Pet the elephant who is scheduled to be put down this week. Our whole group of 9 people (some very small) were standing inside the elephant house and watching a clearly tortured beast. We all talked about how awful she looked and worked ourselves up to near crying fits at how sad the whole scene was until the docent came in and said, "Oh, Pet's out front with the other females. This is a 23 year old male who is in 'must'. He's pretty unhappy right now, but its just something he has to go through" And the tears dried up. From what she said, it sounds like "must" is, for a male elephant, something like being on day 5 of a 150 mg series of Clomid. So, he had to be separated from the others for fear he would overreact and become too emotional.

But, my favorite animal this trip surprised me. No, it wasn't a snake and I am truly truly sorry for any  bad dreams, childhood fears or anxiety disorders I aggravated with my photo last week. This actually may be just as creepy...but, I promise, there will be no pictures...It was the bats! It was like watching a really bad reality show with lots of interaction and drama-queens. They kept fighting and getting territorial on eachother. I could have watched them pushing one other and biting each other in the testicles all day. Monkeys are fun, but they were being all peaceful and nice to eachother. Yawn!

After four hours of zoo, everyone was near the point at which my cousin started that morning, but because we are gluttons for blog material, Dan and I decided to invite everyone over to our house for a barbeque. Which was very fun. The very very very best part was the way my nephew, Ian, says the word that tubular kind of meat you cook on a stick and shove between some soft buns...you know...a "hot cock?" ALL NIGHT, it was "how do you like YOUR 'hot cock'?" "Do you mind veggie 'hot cocks'?" "Oh, no, veggie "hot cocks" are my favorite kind of "hot cocks!" "Do you like any kind of sauce with your 'hot cock', or do you take your 'hot cock' plain?" Every one, with the exception of cousin-dial-a-divorce , thought it was very funny.

And we ended the night by getting laid leied with his sister, Betsy standing over me, throwing flowers in my directon and ordering me to make it "faster". Here she is doing the Hula, wearing the  lei I made for her from my Rose of Sharon Hibiscus:

So, today was the mammogram. Seeing as my temperature plummeted yet again this morning, I had no dilemma about hurting any unborn children (which reminds me, stay tuned soon for an update on the reproductive plan). My mom had fully alarmed me about the George Foreman Grill of Torture and the pain, so I was prepared for that. What I was a little surprised by was all the fondling. And how unceremonious it was. No one. NO ONE has ever made so much coverage for such an extended grope IN MY LIFE. but it was all just so she could get them stuffed into the grill properly. Afterwards, I could swear they were a little spongier and saggier than they were ten minutes before. Overall, totally worth possibly saving my life. Here, I will leave you with a gratuitous boob shot and my only souvenir of the occasion, a new inflation valve, the "o-spot":

I know what you are thinking, I have to clarify something. That is a MOLE! I will not specify where, but it is within the viewing area of the mammogram, so they had to mark it so not as to confuse it with a tumor.

Fireworks

I'm enjoying a brief respite from the whirlwind of my life to sit down and write. So, to update:

One week ago, I was at our annual family social experiment in living like a refugee, AKA "camping." We were in Central Oregon, the land of the high desert, ancient lava flows, stifling heat all day and thunder and lighting storms every night. Those came with flashfloods in camp and hail big enough to put a nice little goose egg on my head. One would think desert heat, lighting, flashfloods and hail were enough weather for one weekend, but wait, there's more! We also got to see snow on a nearby mini-glacier. The best part of the weekend was driving home to Portland underneath the most amazing sky I had seen in my life. There were enough colors in the sky, colors I had never seen in the sky, for a whole box of crayons. All the while, lightning was striking in every direction.

The next day, my brother came into town for a short and bitter visit since he had a little lay over. I have to be honest with you all, I lost control a little. We had one bad conversation that ended with me yelling "what does it take to get you to shut-up!?" It was pretty down hill from there. Well, really, we were just like two cats forced to coexist, we just went to our separate corners and pretended the other wasn't there.  I'm not proud of how I acted, but I do think it is understandable, based on some things I learned about him:

• He is a self-riteous Republican! He is for repealling the "Death Tax!" I asked him if he realized that it would never, in no way, even in our wildest dreams EVER apply to us. He said yes, and I told him to prepare for serfdom, because that's eventually what we all will be when the richest people in America rise to royalty through amassing huge family fortunes. Basically we are reliving out childhood "no I didn't!", "Yes, you did!" fights all over again with larger vocabularies.
• He NEVER STOPS TALKING!!!! Granted, he has been on a ship for 6 weeks with presumably little stimulating company, but FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!! Everyone has to rest their vocal chords once in a while.
• He goes on and on about how he will raise HIS children. he uses military metaphors, as if it is a war between parent and child and the good parent must be vigilant to outsmart the enemy. There is also the occasional dog training reference thrown in as well.
• His favorite topic of conversation, though, aside from religion and politics is how to amass more wealth and how he will spend it. YAWN!
• Okay, lets face it, this may be the biggest reason: On the Fourth of July, while I was in a different part of the yard playing bocce ball with my sister's kids (which requires an alert eye because Ian likes to throw those heavy balls right at knee level), he made the announcement that his wife is pregnant.....but she is bleeding...a lot....."But, I'm sure she's fine". So, I am a) jealous, b) sad for her--maybe, could be nothing--d) mad at him for being so callous and e) Jealous some more because I may have to watch yet more people have children and raise them in a way that hurts my heart.
• Oh yeah, and I have PMS. Sweet!

A Day Out with Thomas

This is about the most fun anyone could have with a two year old. I wish it never had to end.

The bus ride from the parking lot to Thomas! Ian was VERY nervous about letting us shut him up in this large metal capsule on wheels. The whole time he said "bus" over and over, each time with a slightly different inflection. First excited, then nervous, terrified and finally with acceptance and then confidence.

Just after boarding, and suddenly having some second thoughts. Another capsule. More trickery.

Dan and Ian both experienced their first train ride that day. Ian said "train" and "choo-choo" so many times and with such passion, I thought he would lose his voice. Its too bad he probably won't remember this conciously, because the kind of joy he experienced yesterday doesn't come around often in life. I'll always remember it for him.

This is after, reluctantly, getting off the train. We rode for 30 minutes through incredibly beautiful northwest terrain, heading for Mt. Hood past a meandering shallow creek. Worth every penny!

Ian's favorite part of the whole day was playing with the model trains.

Summer is Rolling

My promise to post everyday seems to have gone the way of flossing, vacuuming and wearing sunscreen. I may do it, but not as often as originally intended. Summer has started and suddenly I have no time to sit down in front of the computer. Right now I am at my parents' house and praying to the many religious icons all over the walls that they won't figure out what I am doing right now.

First of all, I have to say congratulations to Korin and welcome, baby Ruby!! I was so thrilled to get your email this morning. She is beautiful! I will make it over to your site sooner or later, just wanted to float this out there now.

I have been busy busy busy playing super aunt, catching up with old friends, staying out of the heat. Typical summer stuff. The first week of summer, I "nannied" for my cousin who was back to work for the first time since  Baby R. was born. Technically, yes, we are first cousins once removed, but aunt is so much easier. I covered the three day overlap between mom and dad. R. was a joy to hang out with. At first, before I actually spent three FULL days with an infant, I thought, "What will I do with myself all day?" I was prepared for boredom. HA! Those days flew by so fast, I am not sure what happened to them! Of course not all seven month olds refuse to nap or take a bottle. Wow, that was a lot of fun, but so exhausting!!

I am about to wet my pants from excitement, and I'm pretty sure my nephew, Ian already has, because the day after tomorrow, Dan and I are taking him for a ride on Thomas the Tank Engine. When I showed him the picture from the paper and asked him if he wanted to ride on Thomas (that sounds so bad out of context!) he lit up and said "Train! Train! Train! Train!" We are going to have such a good time!

We have many more adventures coming this summer and I promise I will try to keep you updated at least as much as I floss my teeth. And I'm  pretty good at that.

Hold the food, please

Dan and I just got done using the new online automated substitute employee management system (new to Dan, not me, actually). We both will be home tomorrow. Our plan is to roll around in bed all day together, moaning...with occasional emergency trips to pray before the porcelain shrine. Yes folks, that's right! We have both succumbed to the latest germ offering of our nephew, the science project. I got through almost the entire first trimester of a pregnancy without so much as a mouthful of bile, and now I can't keep my burrito from coming out my nose.

Happy Holidaze

There are two great equalizers (besides birth and death...too obvious) in this world. One is the DMV. The other is the walk-in immediate care clinic. Because eventually EVERYONE:

1. Has to renew their license
2. Gets sick when the doctor is out.

Christmas Eve Saturday there was quite a collection of people in the waiting room. The anxious young couple with the sick baby. The Grandpa who cut his thumb and brought  his whole family wearing  jingly sweaters and continuing their festivities right there. The crazy lady who I speculate has a little prescription drug problem and was writhing around, moaning loudly and telling everyone who would listen (some visible to me and others not) that she had "back pain". Yeah, sure. And a whole lot of grumpy sick people from all walks of life. Including me.

Dan came too, I'm not sure why. But, I assumed if I got a throat culture he'd get one, too, just in case. In actuality, he just wanted to share the joy and fun with me. But, poor Dan, after his bout with the stomach purge, had not eaten a bite for over 36 hours. We have a word in our household that we use frequently which explains what happens when Dan goes too long between meals: he gets HANGRY. The man just has no fat reserves and the blood sugar shalt not be allowed to get low! More than 2-3 hours without food and  it gets ugly. 36 hours without food and he's not just hangry, he's hirrational and fucking hannoying! So, I sent him away. Fred Meyer was next door. I gave him the keys and said, "go get something to eat." I hate hate HATE playing mommy to my husband, but sometimes, like a root canal, taking out the trash or a pelvic exam, it is necessary. I reminded him to choose carefully, mild foods only for his first meal. After about 10 minutes, he returns. Pouting. Hangry still. "What happened?"
"They didn't have anything that sounded good to me."
"In the WHOLE store? NOTHING?!" I knew where he was going with this. He had talked about this before that day. What sounded good was a Burgerville cheeseburger. I was getting mad. "What about some crackers? Or soup?" He had completely rejected the homemade chicken and rice soup I made earlier.
"It just doesn't SOUND good to me."
"Fine. Whatever. Just. GO. Come back when you have eaten something." Remember, we have established that I was sick and grumpy. Sick and grumpy+Hangry=bad combination.

I saw the doctor. I got my Amoxicillin. I came back and there he was waiting for me. Smelling like Cheeseburger. I took a deep breath and said to my self, ' Well, he's an adult. The consequences of his actions are his problem.' Two hours later, he was in such pain and so sick to his stomach, he said he would be unable to ride in a car to my parents for Christmas as planned. I took another deep breath. And another. And gave him an early gift. It took some convincing and very assertive grumpy sick girl behavior. But, he gave in. You see, one of his presents was a magical herb that I knew could not only make his tummy feel better, but cure him of Hangry Man Syndrome. Yes, there are concerns about the herb while trying to conceive. There have been fights about the herb in the past. But, the fact is his swimmers have been fantastic, or as one medical professional said, "Awesome" under every influence on all criteria. And I want my man to be happy. Not Hangry. It worked and I took control of the menu. Long ago, a Kaiser Ask-a-Nurse told me about the B.R.A.T. diet. Strangely, it is not a comment on how my husband was acting, but stands for Bananas, Rice, Applesauce and Toast. Its what you eat when you feel sick.

We made it home for Christmas.

Number of human family members: 8
Number of canine family members: 3
Number of family members on antibiotics: 4
Number of family members who threw up on the carpet: 2
Number of family members forced to eat the BRAT diet: 3
Number of them eating a form of diet adapted for his/her species: 1
Number of Christmas miracles: 1 (Milo, Theresa's dog, had a huge tumor over his eye that everyone, including the vet, thought was IT. On Christmas morning it was GONE"
Number of Christmas mysteries: 1 (EARLY Christmas morning there was a loud bang up top and in the morning the neighbors came by saying "umm...does this roof in our backyard belong to you?" We are not discounting the 70mph plus gusts of wind, but there are some theories involving reindeer and bad landings...)
Number of fights: 0 (YAY!)

Registering with the Complaint Department

• What happened to my banner?!!? Admittedly, it was beginning to seem a little creepy, but where did it go? Is Typepad censoring now? Or is this just more techincal difficulty bullshit?
• So far I am the only person in my whole family that hasn't succumbed to the stomach purging virus that Ian is spreading. Dan was its latest victim, writhing and moaning on the couch in complete misery all day yesterday.
• When my sister finally took him to the doctor, they got a surprise! Turns out he ALSO has strep throat. Guess who woke up with a very bad sore throat this morning?
• Hint: She is not amused.
• My doctor is out of town and his on-call replacement isn't calling back.
• Is that any surprise? HELLO! Its Christmas Eve!
• Looks like I'm going to have to go to urgent care.
• Right now two members of my family who I love dearly are fighting. I'm in the middle and afraid Christmas will be renamed Screamfest 2005. Dan has requested that if any yelling or threats start, we get our stuff and leave. We are both hoping that this year Santa brings some boundaries for Christmas.
• Not feeling the spirit.

I hope you all have  a happy, healthy Chrismakkah tomorrow. For me.

Over the river and through the dark dark forest

I've been neglectful of my blog lately because I have been out living my life. Oh, yes, NOW I remember what that was like! Thanksgiving with the family was nice, but those visits home are like deviled eggs, they only stay fresh for about 48 hours, TOPS. By the third day my buttons were wearing out from being pushed so much. In my family there are two styles of expression. One is to storm around and express every thought you have with no filter whatsoever. That's Dad. The other is to stew and simmer and steep in tense silence and make everyone guess what  injustice was done. That's mom. I'll give you one guess who I take after...need a hint? Okay, who do you think would be more likely to keep this blog? Verbal diarrhea or tight lips? That's right, I am in no danger of becoming my mother. Besides that, I MARRIED her!!! Poor Dan, he can't help that he is JUST LIKE MY MOTHER in how he deals with feelings, and if there is one way to get the girl with no filter to tell you just what she thinks its for the two passive-aggressives to gang up against her with their little "knowing" looks and subtle eye-rolls behind my back....I SAW THAT!!! So, the drive home was fun. We decided to divide the duties. The first half was a stream-of-consciousness Woody Allen-esque processing session (I was in charge of that). The second half was deadly silent (Dan's shift). It probably didn't help that...well, you know with the laparoscopy and all, well...doctor's orders...we're just coming off of two weeks of abstinence. So, lets just say, this morning, its all better!

I want to thank my cousin R for turning 30 last night, because I needed to get out so bad and that was the best time I've had in a long time! His mom, my aunt and new grandma N, was the entertainment for the evening, man magnet that she is! Oh, the characters she drew to our table. There was the openly married but still interested guy, the fake fireman, the real firemen, her son's next door neighbor who kept kissing her. Most came and went, but Bob the drunk just kind of found a parking spot and stayed. Bob knew LOTS of jokes. Bad, tasteless jokes. Jokes that make you cringe. Jokes you are embarrassed to tell. This one was my favorite, because it made everyone at the table look at Dan and I to see our reaction. Apparently our forheads are emblazoned with scarlet "I's." (Let me emphasize that the views expressed in this joke do not necessarily reflect the views of  joie.typepad.com).

If the stork brings white babies and the crow brings black babies, who brings no babies?

(I'll post the punchline tomorrow....)