joie

17 weeks 5 days update

A select few people (on a need-to-know basis) at work up to now have been aware of my "situation". But for some unknown reason, today just seemed to be the day that I decided to start telling people. Maybe because I have finally given up on all my regular pants. Maybe  because I got my first baby clothes as a gift a week ago and it has suddenly HIT me. A human being of THOSE proportions is going to move in here!!!! Oh, yeah, and I have started to feel little movements that feel like being stabbed with a Q-tip from the inside. I think this is real. Omigod! THIS IS REAL!!!

Dan and I seem to be on the same wavelength. He's telling people, too. Today, waiting for those damn buses to get out of here already, someone came up to me and said "I hear you have some news, congratulations!"
"Thanks"
"You're not the only one around here pregnant"
"Yeah, K, too." K is due in January.
"Well, her, too, but actually, I meant N." Here I am, blissfully enjoying what I ached over for so long. I have what I want. Why can't I be happy for others? I adore N. She is so sweet and deserving of happiness. So, why did hearing N. is expecting feel like such a punch in the stomach?  Well, a few reasons:

• She only recently attended our first after-work happy hour because before that she wasn't old enough.
• Her boyfriend works with us too, and although I also adore him (a funny, interesting, well-traveled guy), he is a Player. And I don't just throw that term around. he gets high at work, has juggled multiple women fairly recently, flaky.
• They were TRYING. And it happened sooner than they thought. (Hate them!)
• She is due in August and already has announced it. So, what is that, six weeks along? MAYBE?! Arghh!
• And, lets face it, the number one reason I'm all pissy about this is......She is stealing my well-deserved, hard-fought thunder!

Thank you for allowing me to be petty and small for a moment. I feel better already!

Every six months

Well, I guess its about time for some updates...Except I can't think of much to say...Nothing exciting is happening around here. Which is good. We like boring right now. I am just sitting on my white knuckles, still not exhaling, wishing I could close my eyes and nap until the 13th week. Partly because I am EXHAUSTED, partly because I am SO SCARED! I decided to go for the early screening that is my right as a patient at a fertility clinic. The first beta on 15dpo was 183 and 17dpo was 390. We had doubling last week! Will it continue? And now I am REALLY wishing I had done that with the first pregnancy because I keep wondering when did it go wrong? It seemed fine at 8 weeks when we heard the heart beat. So, the doubling beta at 4 weeks or so is really a very very very small comfort.

Today was my semiannual dental cleaning and check-up. I've been dreading it because the last time I was in I was 10 weeks pregnant. Two weeks before my miscarriage. Oh...It was AWKWARD when my hygienist, whom I've gone to for years and am very friendly with first saw me. She was about to say "You look..." Right then, I put down the People magazine, stood up, and then the only pregnant thing in the room was one very heavy pause. (Oh, wait, I'm pregnant...forgot for a second...) I could tell she was shocked, embarrassed and then searching for something to fill the awkwardness with, so she said, "...cute.." Now, I KNOW she was lying! I look exhausted and  disheveled and, well, like tomorrow is the first day of school and I am nowhere NEAR ready! But, I forgive her, especially after she added, "Oh, and cute shoes." That, I'm sure is the truth. I LOVE my rocket dogs!

She was trying so hard to be nice and not say anything, I finally just had to break the tension and explain to her why I'm "so skinny" (HA! 15 lbs over my ideal weight!) and yet still have a get out of dental x-rays free pass for another couple visits. Immediately, she relaxed and started to tell me every infertility story she had ever heard. Then, when she finished the dentist came in and, as always, asked, "any changes?" The hygienist jumped in right away and said, "she's five weeks pregnant!" Oh, that poor man! He was soooo confused!! "But...that's not what you told me this morning..." and I had to tell him the story. Only this time it didn't relieve the tension, it made it really uncomfortable. So, now, we're all just hoping for a much less awkward visit next March.

Changing Seasons

Tomorrow is my first official day back to work, but I spent today, my last day of my last summer vacation going to a training and making bulletin boards for school. I'm back in the mode.

Last night the phantom contractor called and said he's "ready to roll." He's coming over in two days to make some plans, sign some contracts.My first thought was Holy Granite Countertops, how are we going to afford and new kitchen and IVF?! But I follow impulse first, figure out how to pay for it later.  We'll find a way. Today, I found out that we MAY not have to make that choice. The IVF is cancelled. Due to pregnancy. Nothing more to say while I hold my breath for the next three months. And check that EPT stick one more time. Yep, that there's a line.

Okay, move along, act normal.

Quick Question:

So, how long do I get to keep using the "HEY! I'm on Clomid!" excuse for being a total bitch? Does that last all month, ending with a grand spectacle of PMS and then a new, fresh start? Or is it only good for the days 5-9 that I actually took the drug? Well, lets just say for all intents and purposes, I am choosing the former.

Dan told me I should get a t-shirt that says the quote above after I had a larger than normal reaction to  2 messages from my acupuncturist's receptionist telling me I was late for my 2:00 appointment when the card CLEARLY said 2:30, damnit!!! While I waited for my appoinment, I read through a miniature book of positive sayings about opening yourself to all of humanity and judging no one. I SOOO want to be like that. But it is SO fucking hard when everyone is SO goddamned ANNOYING!!

I just want to say that the acupuncture was WONDERFUL. It was relaxing and centering and I love love LOVE this woman! I was already pretty sure this would be part of my treatment plan, then I  read this and I was convinced. This dream lady claims to have had a 78% success rate in 2004 for her clients trying to get pregnant. How many RE's can claim that?!! I am, of course, always a skeptic, but I will give this a chance. It can't hurt. My only complaint is that my belly button smelled like a stale cigar from the Moxa she burned. I couldn't even stand MYSELF yesterday afternoon!

I have my schedule!!

My summer has completely devolved into staring at the fish, knitting, and furiously trying to keep the cue DVR down to a managable amount by furiously watching as much tv as possible while waiting for my daily phone call from the wonderful sweet nurse from The Clinic. So, here's the update:

After all that obsessive peeing (hey, I now have something in common with my dog!), I totally missed my LH surge and got the telltale pains before I could schedule the IUI. Oh well. I was not the least bit excited or hopeful about another IUI.

There has been one interesting twist. Turns out my thyroid stimulating hormone is slightly elevated and I may need to get that treated. An appointment with my PCP, whom I love, is pending. Makes sense. My dad has been on Synthroid for years.  After some quality time with Dr. Google, I have learned that my numbers 18 months ago, although at the outer reaches of normal range, were well above ideal. So now all that inability to get off my ass and constantly feeling like I'm in a fog are beginning to make sense. Also, hypothyroid (which elevated TSH indicates) corresponds with higher rates of miscarriage, increased risk of hemorraging during labor and lower IQs of babies, and of course, it goes without saying, infertility.  YIKES!! Some puzzle pieces are fitting together....

So, the plan now is start acupuncture again the day after tomorrow, visit with PCP one week later to get the thyroid stuff figured out and a few days after that we will know whether

A) I am pregnant and we get to sit in anxious fear for the next 3 months
or
B) I start on Birth Control Pills for the official start of an IVF cycle!!! Tentative ER/ET dates are the second week of October, which is practically too good to be true since that is the first official break in our new year-round school schedule. I can't believe this is happening!

I've Always Been Able to Pee Anywhere

Right now, my life revolves around the toilet.  And by that, I mean being near one with the proper equipment at the right time. I'm just waiting, waiting for the big LH surge to schedule the (inevitably fruitless) IUI. They tell me I need to catch my second stream of the day. For my own nerotic needs, I also try to catch a little later in the day, too. Everything in my life is planned around the second stream of urine in the day. Oh my GOD!! What has become of me?  I had no idea I would still be doing this after 5 days. I guess I forgot how Clomid makes it take longer. But, as a graduate of the Mazamas Basic Climbing school, I know all about being prepared. I am available and ready for anything as long as I can carry my little vial of OPK test sticks and a small cup to pee into at the right time.

My favorite example of this was last Sunday when I participated in a popular cycling event that happens every year in our city. Along with my helmet, water, gloves and sunscreen I made sure to pack my little cup and vial and my cellular phone for a timer. As soon as we made it to the finish line and hoarded all our free snacks, I made a beeline for the Honeybucket, where I set up a small lab. I'm sure all the other Honeybucket patrons were wondering what the strange beeping was coming from mine, and why I was taking so long, but the stick had to sit for five minutes before I could read my result. Five minutes in a Honeybucket is a VERY long time.

The best part was the fact that the cycling event was sponsored by a large health network in our area that owns several hospitals and clinics. They also sponsor my health insurance plan. In other words, the people that will pay for my IUI provided the Honeybucket.  Isn't it a small world?

I passed!

Greetings from the House of Irritablility. Between the Clomid, the pot withdrawals and the sudden winter-like weather (where did our summer go?!) We are not at the top of our game around here. Not much new to tell. I "passed" the challenge test. I believe the actuall words used by the nurse were "your results were awsome". That sound you heard was a big fat sigh of relief. And yet, is it really any consolation to hear (once again) everything looks great, there is no reason we can find you can't get (stay) pregnant? So, now I wait for a positive OPK for one more insemination. I couldn't be less excited about any of this. We've been here before. Several times. Yawn. I have no expectations whatsoever. As far as the IVF, I am scheduled for a training mid-September. Then my RE is on vacation for two weeks, so I'm not sure what's next. But, we're headed there.

I'm already getting that 'back to school' feeling. Summer is winding down. Right now I am wearing two layers of long-sleeved shirt, sweatpants and am wrapped in a blanket that just came out of the dryer. Yesterday I bought a new planning book for this year. My mind is starting to turn to field trips, bulletin boards and math curriculum. And, of course, substitutes for retrieval day and transfer day. Oh! and all the ultrasound scans...boy oh boy!

Well, there is one thing I am a little excited about. Next week I will take part in a group accupuncture treatment. All the participants will be women trying to conceive. Its been over a year since I did accupunture and I miss the sense of calm it gave me.

Two of my cousins have been in town for a few weeks. You may have gathered I come from a close (however not completely sane) family since I don't hold back much on that subject. Despite that, I haven't returned any phone calls or made any effort to see them. Today I can't avoid it any longer. There's an engagement party for one. She's marrying the guy she once had a restraining order out on. They live overseas in the military nowhere near any kind of support group. What does one bring to this kind of occasion? Mace? An open ended one-way ticket home? A gift certificate with no expiration for a divorce attorney? Okay, okay, I'm not being very open-minded, am I? But, we all see it coming. Her sister will be there, too. With her baby. The one that was born a week after my miscarriage. The one that was a complete accident, not entirely embraced at first, and has my favorite boy's name.

Before the Bubble Bursts

A few of you may have a vague memory of me mentioning we were going to start a major remodel on our home. Uh, ya...about that....well,it is still planned, well hoped for. Our contractor has been delayed by a prior committment and the whole thing keeps getting shoved back. So, in turn, are we putting off the appliance guy, who keeps very politely calling us to ask if we are ready to have the range and refrigerator we ordered on impulse MONTHS ago on a rainy spring Saturday delivered. Everybody take a breath....Sitting, waiting, hoping, it is the story of our lives. The good part of all of this is that all the money we borrowed from our home equity line of credit is still just sitting in our checking account and looks like it may be paying for IVF, now. As long is we ride this housing bubble right, there will be enough equity for all our big dreams. So, as it stands, we still have our old kitchen, our old stove and our old fridge, which right now, says it all:

And here's why:
My FSH is actually lower than last time it was measured: a respectable pre-menopausal 8.65
There were enough follicles (9) for me to be a "candidate" for IVF, although not enough to hope for any extras to freeze.
The bad news? Since I waited so long to come to this decision, I have ro re-do all my original tests, including the dreaded clomid challenge test. So, starting tomorrow, I will be back on that evil, evil pill of dread. And something new! Next Friday, I am scheduled for a sonohystogram. Since the pregnancy and the miscarriage with all the gushing blood they want to see what's in there (any words of wisdom from someone who has been there are appreciated...). And finally, so as not to waste a perfectly good clomid cycle (OXYMORON!) they will slip one more IUI in this month. Who knows, this could be it--Ha, ha, ha! Oh, yeah and ONE more thing! They want to try to get the mock transfer in there some time this month. Oh, and the training, too...So, since I'll be spending so much time at the clinic, it looks like I'm going to be getting my own parking space.

Big News!

It has been almost one year ago exactly since we had the IVF discussion appointment. At the time I wasn't yet ready. I opted for a laparoscopy instead. That didn't provide any earth shattering insights and technically, I am still classified as "unexplained." It still seemed like the right decision,though--especially when I got pregnant two months later. But then came the big let down. Now, six perfect cycles (I'm telling you, the miscarriage didn't even slow down my German-engineered parts) later, I am still not pregnant. And now, I'm ready. SO FUCKING READY!

Basically, what I've been waiting on is Dan. I haven't gone into this very much, I don't want to break the cardinal blog rule of keeping marital conflicts out, but I need to talk about this. A constant source of tension between us throughout all of this is his use of substances.  He's always had very high (120 million and up!) sperm counts, and everything else was good, but basically with that number, it doesn't matter. Even a small percent of that many is pretty good. So, he sat back on his high sperm count and got high. Regularly. And this is Oregon. Whenever more than two people are gathered, a pipe comes out. And the tension between us.

Dan is so sad about not being able to make a baby. He took our loss very hard. And whenever I bring up ART or adoption, he just says "I just wish we could do it on our own." Which gets the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end!!! Well, apparently, we CAN"T! GET OVER IT! And if you cared that much, could you CONSIDER taking a break from the pot? And the drinking and smoking cigarettes-only-when-I-drink?

The nagging hasn't worked. Surprised? So, the other day I tried something new. I met him at the door when he got home. I had all the literature about IVF and the phone. I showed him exactly what would happen, what I would go through, the drugs I would have to take and all the restrictions for me. Then I showed him the recommendations for "male partners of IVF patients". I told him how I had started to dial and stopped myself. I said I would not go through with this without his full cooperation and commitment to follow the recommendations. The ball was in his court. When he was ready, let me know and we can go forward. He wanted to know when it would start (by "it", he meant the quitting part). The minute I make the phone call. Okay, but, he need a few days to consider. It was SOOO hard not to cajole, remind, or nag during that time, but I did pretty well. This morning he told me he is ready. He will go clean. He said, "Maybe it will be good for me." You THINK?!

So, today, I made the call. We have to do the "discussion" again. All the testing is outdated, and needs to be redone. But, we are going forward with IVF! I am just crossing my fingers that my FSH hasn't gone way up and all my eggs dried up in the past year! I am so nervous!! I am so excited!! I am so scared!!!

Housekeeping

It was time for a change. Long due, actually. There is no great significance to the rock wall (unless you are the type to analyze these things, and then I would love to hear your theory...) but I took the picture of the little sad boulder that serves as my portrait (looks JUST like me!) on a hike through the Hollywood Hills last June during my third Clomid cycle. We were with our dear friends, J.J. and Corbin who had experienced a miscarriage a few months before. Today, we got the call that their little boy, Oliver, was born (I love that name!) Not sure what my point is, but it all seems significant. Oh, and of course all the expected mixed feelings, yada, yada, soooo happy for them, soooo F***ing jealous I surprise myself. Yawn! Heard it all before!!

And one more thing-- on the blogroll, I cleaned up the old links that don't work anymore or no longer update and added some new ones I've discovered. Check them out!