joie

Quick Question:

So, how long do I get to keep using the "HEY! I'm on Clomid!" excuse for being a total bitch? Does that last all month, ending with a grand spectacle of PMS and then a new, fresh start? Or is it only good for the days 5-9 that I actually took the drug? Well, lets just say for all intents and purposes, I am choosing the former.

Dan told me I should get a t-shirt that says the quote above after I had a larger than normal reaction to  2 messages from my acupuncturist's receptionist telling me I was late for my 2:00 appointment when the card CLEARLY said 2:30, damnit!!! While I waited for my appoinment, I read through a miniature book of positive sayings about opening yourself to all of humanity and judging no one. I SOOO want to be like that. But it is SO fucking hard when everyone is SO goddamned ANNOYING!!

I just want to say that the acupuncture was WONDERFUL. It was relaxing and centering and I love love LOVE this woman! I was already pretty sure this would be part of my treatment plan, then I  read this and I was convinced. This dream lady claims to have had a 78% success rate in 2004 for her clients trying to get pregnant. How many RE's can claim that?!! I am, of course, always a skeptic, but I will give this a chance. It can't hurt. My only complaint is that my belly button smelled like a stale cigar from the Moxa she burned. I couldn't even stand MYSELF yesterday afternoon!

What the fuck?

There are so many things wrong with the world today.

1. I spent my entire lunch break trying to find a signal on my cell phone so I could make a long distance call to ask the bank why we have never, in 15 months, ever gotten a mortgage statement despite making payments via automatic deduction like clockwork. I did not get to eat. This diet is really working!
2. Today there were two emails from Netflix. One was telling me that the movie I returned last Monday was received and I will get the next one on my list next TUESDAY!?! The other said that the movie Dan returned yesterday will be replaced TOMORROW!! What did I do to offend you, Netflix? I have done nothing but love you. I have turned many many friends your way with my gushing and bragging. Why, Netflix, why??
3. Not only did that bitch Katie Holmes steal my name in Dawson's Creek, but now she DARES to carry the spawn of that freak before I get pregnant?! Oh, but she'll get hers....Wait until she finds out about the Scientology philosophy on childbirth: Completely without pain reduction medication and, GET THIS, silent! Yeah, right! As you all know, I've never given birth, but I know enough to know it hurts. A lot. How are you supposed to get through that without making a little noise?
4. I have cramps.
5. What's with my students? Did all the parents conspire to withhold their meds today? Just CALM DOWN!! And BE QUIET!! For God's sake! The bookcase is NOT a jungle gym!
6. While my class was playing monkeys in the jungle, I had to excuse myself for a phone call. From the hospital where I will be getting my laparoscopy in five weeks. I'm not sure why, but I thought it would be at the clinic. I guess I thought of a laparoscopy was the "down there" version of getting your wisdom teeth out. Not fun, inconvenient, but relatively risk free. Hmm..guess not. When I had my wisdom teeth out no one asked me questions that had words like "advanced directive" and "next of kin" and "religious preference" in them. The last time I was in that particular hospital was at my grandma's deathbed ten years ago.

A steaming pile of crap

Today was a day of bad news.

I took a HPT today because I couldn't BEAR to find out over the phone after my blood test. But honestly, with the cramps I woke up to, it was no surprise that the results were negative. I told everyone this would be my last cycle of trying for a while. Who am I kidding? How can I not? The "discussion" appointment  for IVF is already set. It will be 25 minutes after Dan's parents fly out of Portland in two weeks. The Friday before the last weekend before I go back to work. I am so depressed at the thought. Going through all this while trying to teach again.  Last minute appointments. Trying to get subs. Evading all the questions. Pictures of the three babies born over the summer. I get tired thinking about it. At least I'll be getting a paycheck.

Truth is, when I look at the statistics: 10% rate of pregnancy with clomid/IUI, 15% with the injections/IUI why did we even bother? We should have just done IVF from the start. I might be wearing maternity clothes right now if we had. I mean I went through all that personality change shit with clomid for a 10% chance!!?!

(edited to remove more sucky bad stuff related to my job-believe me it was a stinky pile of poo, you'll just have to take my word for it).

CD 1

I think I need a new category entitled "hating the world".

The last two days of my life were utter hell. First, I had a creeping cold that started out as a sore throat, then became a cough then mutated into blocked sinuses and a killer headache. Last night it started to effect my ears. Where will it go next? Want to take bets? Speaking of bets....The day before yesterday (that was a sore throat/ cough day) We had a baby shower for the latest two pregnant people at work. It all went fine. I was smiley and gracious and happy for them until the yahoos at my place of work decided to start a betting pool to see who would get pregnant first: Me or my 24 yr old assistant. Well, anybody who bets on me should get a huge payout in the off chance they win since I am such a long shot. No less than four people asked me when Dan and I are going to start a family. How many ways can I wittily and charmingly say "I don't FUCKING KNOW!" before I do something I might regret?

Yesterday it seems as if everyone brought their small children to work. It was a virtual day care center. As a result I learned some things about myself and made some decisions. Number one: unlike my younger self, I don't like children just because they are children. Just like adults, I need to know them first. No matter how cute he was, I was unable to drum up any feelings for my assistant's two year old. Number two: this is my solemn vow:  my house is now and will remain until the end of time Wiggles and Barney free. I'm okay with Elmo, though.

To top it off, I have just been in a PMS-induced foul mood. I wanted to be cool and happy and friendly and funny. But I was drowning in a pool of hormonal transitions I could not control. I am sorry to say that the last impression I left on coworkers before going away for summer break was a dark, bitter humorless one. And as I left school the wave broke and I unleashed a year's worth of emotions. What should have been a happy, exciting day (summer break! Yay!) was depressing and sad. Dan had all the good intentions in the world, but he just doesn't know what to do with me when I become an insane pool of hormonal goo. So, I went over to my sisters and my mom was there babysitting. She made roast beef and potatoes. Mmm, two glasses of two-buck chuck and 7 hours of venting later, I felt a little better.

I think I just finally let go. Honestly, I am not always like this! If you have just found me, read back to February or March. You'll see. I can be light and cheery. I'll come around again. Tomorrow, I get on an airplane for LAX to spend five days with the lovely and Talented JJ and Corbin in the land of sunshine and dirty air. I'm hoping to leave all this behind.